A Pain That I'm Used To
by Arcturus-Sinclair
Summary: Submission for CCOAC's Theme Song Challenge. After Prentiss's death and a talk with Hotch, Morgan rethinks his feelings for Emily.  Written for Sara Nublas  I own nothing.


A/N: Well, this is my submission for CCOAC's Theme song Challenge. My song was A Pain That I'm Used To by Depeche Mode. I own nothing, CBS owns it all and won't share.

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><p><strong>~Just give me a pain that I'm used to-I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive ~<strong>

_Loss. It's a pain that I'm used to. I've seen many people die since I joined the force. Both victims and cops. It was something we've learned to deal with. But...something about Prentiss's death shook me more than any other. And I think that's what scared me the most..._

Morgan set the notebook down, sighing bitterly. The notebook served as a journal, for therapy. He'd been forced into it after he lost his composure on a case, even going so far as to unload on Garcia. That was a hard for everyone, though. Women with similar features to Prentiss were being staked, like vampires. But, Chief Strauss had made it clear; either he went into therapy, or he lost his job.

Morgan glanced at the clock on his nightstand and sighed yet again. Time to go to work. He slid the notebook into his nightstand drawer before going to his closet and pulling out clothes to wear. He selected a light t-shirt and slacks, seeing how it was warm out.

After getting dressed, Morgan quickly grabbed a bagel and fed Clooney before heading off to the BAU. Once inside, he headed straight to his desk to start on his paperwork. After about five minutes of working, a knock sounded on his door.

"Come in," he called, not looking up. After a moment, he heard the door open and shut.

"May we talk?" The voice that spoke belonged to Hotch. That fact didn't shock Morgan, Hotch _was_ his boss, after all.

"Sure," Morgan replied, setting the paperwork aside. He didn't really know what Hotch wanted, but assumed it was case-related.

Boy, was he wrong. "How are you doing?" Hotch asked, concern coloring his tone. As he spoke he moved further into the room and sat down on the chair in front of Morgan's desk.

Morgan bit back a sigh, reminding himself that the Unit Chief meant well. "I'm still in therapy, if that's what you meant." No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop the bitterness from seeping into his voice. He met Hotch's eyes with a mix of defiance and frustration. He was just so damned tired of everything.

Hotch let out a quiet sigh. "Take this coming from someone who knows what it's like to lose someone you love, lashing out at everyone isn't going to help anything."

"This coming from the man with walls around himself that are ten feet tall and made of bullet-proof steel?" Morgan muttered back. Until the rest of what Hotch said sank in. "I wasn't in love with Emily," he denied, automatically.

"I never said you were in love with her, but we both know you cared about her." Hotch's voice was calm as he made his argument. If the situation had been different, Hotch might have been amused.

"True," Morgan conceded. His body lost some of its defensive tenseness after he spoke. He sat back, regarding Hotch curiously. He felt the older man had something else to say.

"Also, if you need someone to talk to-someone that's not a therapist and has been there-my door is always open," Hotch offered.

Morgan nodded, a look of gratefulness passing over him. "I'll keep that in mind. Thanks."

"Anytime," Hotch murmured, before leaving the room.

After Hotch left, Morgan stared down at his paperwork, not really seeing it. What Hotch had said got to him. Was he in love with Emily, and just too blind to see it? Not like he could do much about it now...

But, was his pain so bad because he'd been in love with her, or merely because he'd been the one to find her? As he thought, he let out a quiet sigh. This was so confusing. He took another breath and decided to just go back to his paperwork.

After a few hours of paperwork, he stood up and left his office, heading to get a cup of coffee. His mind again fell upon his conversation with Hotch. Even he knew that his automatic denial meant something.

That being said...he didn't think he was in love with Emily. Sure, he cared for her...but he'd always thought it was in an older bother sort of way.

Morgan leaned against the counter after pouring his coffee, barely noticing Reid doing the same. He jumped slightly when Reid's voice broke through his musings.

"Are you all right, Morgan?" From Reid's tone, it wasn't the first time he'd tried to gain the darker man's attention.

Morgan's eyes flashed to Reid. "Yeah, fine. I was just thinking."

"I could see that," Reid replied, seriously. There was no note of sarcasm in his tone at all. He was merely stating a fact.

Morgan snorted. Leave it to Reid to take a potentially sarcastic sentence and take the sarcasm out of it. He eyed Reid for a moment before deciding just to ask the question that'd been plaguing him...or one of them anyway...

"How does someone know when they're in love, Reid?" Morgan held his breath as he waited for Reid's response.

"Well, chemically speaking, it involves surging brain elements called monoamines, dopamines, norepinephrine, and serotonin...but I assume that's not what you meant."

"No, it really wasn't," Morgan grumbled. But, then again, what did he expect from Reid? He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.

"Is there a new girl that's causing you to question yourself?" Reid asked, tilting his head slightly sideways.

Morgan took a sip of his coffee before speaking. "I'm not sure, honestly. It was someone I'd never thought of in a romantic way...but now I'm rethinking that."

"Well...I'm not really good at the romantic side of love, you know that," Reid mumbled, sheepishly. He ran a hand through his hair.

"Trust me, I know. Thanks for trying though," Morgan added. He glanced at the clock and headed back to his office, dropping his coffee cup in the trash as he went. He sat down and began finishing the large stack of papers he had left.

It was about two hours after everyone, including Hotch, had went home before Morgan finally finished his paperwork. His heart just wasn't in it. Once he finished the last paper, he stood and grabbed his jacket, turning the lights off as he put it on.

His plan had been just to go home, but his plans never worked out. The next thing Morgan knew, he was parking in the parking lot of the cemetery Emily had been buried in. He walked through the soft grass silently until he was standing in front of her headstone. He almost turned around right then and there, but he could almost hear Reid telling him that it was what his subconscious needed.

He let out a quiet sigh before kneeling down. "Hey." God, he felt stupid, talking to a headstone. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a previous conversation about embalming came flooding back. Why had she been buried? He supposed that Ambassador Prentiss had something to do with it.

"Ugh. I feel weird doing this, but since I drove here...might as well. Recently...I've been confused about my feelings. Mainly, about you. Hotch and I were discussing it a bit...and it made me wonder if I was just denying it all along..." Morgan paused, closing his eyes. He didn't know what else to say.

"I...I love you, Emily." He kissed his fingertips and pressed them to the headstone. He then stood and headed back to his car. As he got in, he felt a breeze and could almost swear he felt her there.

He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "Good bye, Em. I'll miss you..." With that, he headed home, feeling a bit more clear headed than he had since Doyle came into their lives.

**~I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real-No mistaking the faking, I care~**

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><p>AN: Okay, I'm sorry this took so long, my laptop's hard drive crashed, and then I was away for the weekend. Gah. But, this was different that what I normally do. There was no actual cute loveness. But, I like it anyway. And it came out better than I expected, I'm just not sure how well I captured Morgan, though. I hope someone likes it.


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